101 Things To Do At Hogwarts
by Jana Girl123
Summary: Based on the hysterical 101 Things to do at Walmart. 101 things to do inside Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N I own nothing, all characters belong to J.K Rowling and her publisher.**

**A/N I wrote all of these on a plane to Baltimore so if they're not funny you can blame it on the air pressure.**

**101 things to do at Hogwarts**

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><p>1. Ask Snape if he would like to borrow some shampoo and conditioner.<p>

2. Go up to Harry, point to his scar and yell; "The mark! They're coming for you next!"

3. Dare a first year to touch the Whooping Willow saying it will magically turn them black and blue.

4. Ask the Fat Lady why she was painted so fat.

5. Shave off Dumbledores' beard while he's sleeping.

6. Tell Ron that since he's a ginger he has no soul.

7. Catch Ms. Norris and give her back to Filch as a wand.

8. Offer to let Hermione ride your special broomstick all night long.

9. Inform Oliver Wood the Quidditch team left him to go play soccer.

10. Run around on a broom and scream, "Weeee! I can FLY!"

11. Act amazed when the sinks are turned on and whisper, "Wow, magic."

12. Show Hagrid your new dragon leather boots and tell him they were custom made in Romania by a rare dragon name Norbert.

13. Draw a lightning bolt on your forehead in sharpie and run up to Harry saying, "Look, we're twins!"

14. Introduce Ron to online chess.

15. Tell Peeves you've hired the Ghost Busters to get rid of him.

16. When in Gringotts walk around obnoxiously and loudly exclaim, "What a _dump_!"

17. Offer to braid Dumbledores' beard.

18. Replace Snapes' bottles of potions with bottles of Viagra.

19. Tell Luna Lovegood you saw a Snerpleduffer and ask her to go hunting for them with you.

20. Replace the Sorting Hat with a baseball cap.

21. Ask why we must take trains to Hogwarts when magic carpets are so much better for the environment.

22. Find out what the hell a hufflepuff is.

23. Give Hagrid a ham sandwich and when he eats it happily explain to him it's made of griffin meat.

24. Ask the History of Magic teacher of he died because his subject was so boring.

25. When everyone asks where you are from tell them Narnia.

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><p><strong>AN 25 down, 76 more to go.**

**A/N Review please!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N I own nothing, all characters belong to J.K Rowling and her publisher.**

**101 things to do at Hogwarts**

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><p>26. Ask Lupin why he can't be as sexy as the werewolves from Twilight.<p>

27. Have Peeves watch 'The Polgergist' with you.

28. Dye your hair red, run up the the Weasley twins and scream, "Look, we're triplets!"

29. Point to the lake and scream, "Ah! The Lockness Monster!"

30. Attempt to feed skittles to the unicorns so they can taste the rainbows they fly around.

31. Ask what the hell a hufflepuff is since no one told you the first time.

32. Introduce them to Youtube and make them watch 'A Verry Potter Musical'.

33. Write a love letter to Harry and sign it from Hermione.

34. Repeat 33 and sign it from Ron.

35. Ask Ron if the wizard world is so great then why haven't they invented ginger birth control?

36. Make the house elves engage in an epic battle to the death for your entertainment.

37. Run while Hermoine tries to kill you for making the poor little house elves do that.

38. Introduce them to Twilight and watch their horrified reactions.

39. Ask Peter Petigrew if he's a pedophile since he spent so many years living with little boys and sleeping in their beds at night.

40. Dare Oliver Wood to fly to the moon on his broomstick.

41. Go up to professor McGonagall and whisper, "I know what you did last summer."

42. Hit on Dumbledore.

43. Hit on Dobby.

44. Engage in a battle of the ages with tubes of gift wraps explaining they're safer to use then wands.

45. Offer to give Malfoy griffen-riding lessons.

46. Steal Mad-eye Mods's magical eye and refuse to give it back until he teaches you how to kill people and get away with it.

47. Write to the Minister of Magic and say, "My name is Voldemort and I'm coming to get you."

48. Ask Fred Weasley if he's really Freddy Kreuger.

49. While walking through the school instantly begin humming the theme song for the Harry Potter movies.

50. Inform Harry that you've been hearing voices in your head telling you to kill him then begin to yell into thin air, "No! I don't want to hurt the nice boy, go away!" before walking away without another word.

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><p><strong>AN Review please!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N I own nothing, all characters belong to J.K Rowling and her publisher.**

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><p>51. Cover the walls of Snape's office with photos of Harry's mom.<p>

52. Steal a uniform and pretend to be a student.

53. Tell the Weasley's ginger jokes.

54. When you see a ghost scream, "Ah! I see dead people!" point to Malfoy and add, "Ah, another one! And he's HIDEOUS!" Then run away screaming.

55. Once again try to discover what a Hufflepuff is.

56. Go up to Malfoy and slap him across the face asking why he didn't call the next morning like he said he would.

57. Ask Dumbledore why he hasn't tried to hook up with McGonagall yet.

58. Go up to Harry and offer him some cover-up for that hideous scar on his face.

59. Call Voldemort and tell him you have a new candidate for him to kill; Cedric Diggory' s long-lost twin brother Edward Cullen.

60. Figure out what a muggle like yourself is doing in Hogwarts in the first place.

61. Roast wienies over Faust while he's being reborn.

62. When the dementors attack tell Ron he's lucky he's a ginger since he has no soul to steal.

63. Let Ms. Norris loose where the owls are kept.

64. Join Slytherin and misbehave so you can have their points reduced.

65. Replace everyone's wands with knock-offs saying that's what the witches in Vegas do.

66. Put a bag of spiders in Ron's' bed, whether they're real or rubber you'll have fun.

67. Leaving the bathroom say you weren't expecting the Chamber of Secrets or anything but some toilet paper would have been nice.

68. Declare you can speak parseltongue and attempt to slither around the floor while hissing.

69. Paint a purple X on Fred's cheek so you can tell him apart from George.

70. Follow Snape around the castle pointing and shouting 'Traitor! Traitor!'

71. Replace Dumbledore's lemon drops with little yellow soaps.

72. Give Ms. Weasley a box of condoms for Christmas.

73. Run through the dining hall screaming 'Troll!' at the top of your lungs so everyone leaves and you can sit wherever you want.

74. Take the Weasley's flying car and 'accidentally' run over Snape.

75. Ask Dumbledore if he taught Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

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><p><strong>AN Review Please!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N I own nothing, all characters belong to J.K Rowling and her publisher.**

**Thank you all for reading this, love ya'!**

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><p>76. Give Lupin a set of weights and a poster of Taylor Lautner explaining that he has a week to become like his cousins in Forks.<p>

77. Flirt with Hermione and when she shows no interest turn to Ron and do the same.

78. Take a cup of tea to professor Trelawney's room shouting that you've seen your death in the leaves.

79. Throw a party and make your guests watch 'Wizards of Waverly Place'.

80. Tell Neville he forgot to zipper his pants and watch him freak out before realizing he has no pants or a uniform with a zipper.

81. Inform Voldemort that you have his nose and won't give it back until he let's you play with his snake.

82. Give up trying to figure out what the hell a Hufflepuff is since no one will tell you.

83. Ask Harry how he got his scar and when he tells you roll your eyes and walk away muttering that that's nothing compared to what happened to you last summer at band camp.

84. Attempt to ride a vacuum instead of a broom and explain to everyone that you want to help cleanse the air of pollution.

85. Convince Hagrid to teach you about spider's next Care of Magical Creatures class because Ron loves them so much.

86. Ask Hermione if she's so smart than why can't she figure out why she doesn't have a boyfriend.

87. Convince Crabbe and Goyle to become cheerleaders for Slytherin; mini skirts, pom-poms, and all.

88. Make a game out of who can throw the most books at Moaning Myrtle and when she yells at you remind her she's the one who invented it in the first place.

89. Start randomly laughing aloud in potions class and blame it on whatever your partner made.

90. Write a note from Ginny to Harry saying 'I want your magic wand in my Chamber of Secrets.'

91. Attack nearly headless Nick with a cross saying, "Be gone, demon!"

92. Tell Cho-Chang Harry wants her to ride his very special broomstick, and you don't just mean the Nimbus 2000.

93. Replace Slytherin's flying broomsticks with regular brooms.

94. Two words: magic fireworks.

95. Steal the cloak of invisibility and follow people around while talking to them until they think they're crazy.

96. Ask Harry why his parents never attend parent's night and when he tells you roll your eyes and complain, "Excuses, excuses."

97. Go up to Hagrid and demand he introduces you to Charlie the Unicorn.

98. Run through the hallways screaming the house elves have revolted and want to enslave witch and wizard-kind.

99. Blow up the wall at the train station so you can sneak on the train to go to Hogwarts.

100. Introduce the Sorting Hat to the Fedora of Pleasure.

101. Drink the Polyjuice potion to become Albus Dumbledore, the possibilities are endless.

_*See Fred and George Weasley for more ideas._

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><p><strong>AN The End**

**A/N Review please!**


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